Sunday, August 1, 2010

My Brother



My brother died today, after a valiant two-month battle with cancer. Always in good health, Tops’ sudden illness blindsided us, his family. We tried to be brave for him and for each other and found in his uncomplaining spirit a strength that inspired us and gave us hope.

My brother died today and I found out in an airplane, that loneliest of venues if one is traveling alone. I was heading home to Portland after a fulfilling week of serving on the leadership team for the We Remember, We Believe youth liturgy conference in Sacramento. The plane was picking up speed and ready to take off when, suddenly, the pilot stepped on the brakes and aborted the flight because of mechanical failure. It was terrifying. As we sat idly on the runway, a text message came in on my cell phone from my youngest brother Orlando.

My loving family. Tops left us at 7:10 this morning. He is no longer suffering. He is free of pain and on his next adventure. Love to you all. –Orlando

I looked at my watch. The pilot hit the brakes at 7:10. Because cell phones are turned off in-flight, I would not have received news of my brother’s death for another hour and a half if we had taken off as planned. The realization of that coincidence (grace?) had me shaking like a leaf. And then, it hit me. Tops was gone.

I cried. Alone. On a plane. I wanted so desperately for someone, anyone to hug me. The only thing I could turn to was prayer. I prayed three Hail Marys for the repose of my brother’s soul.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. . .

My brother died today. We buried our father in 1986 after a long struggle of convalescence from a massive heart attack. We held out hope back then for dad’s recovery, but he was in his 80s and his tired body could take no more. An adult child expects to someday bury a parent. To bury a sibling, a brother with whom one has played with, fought with, cried with, and had adventures with -- it just seems so wrong.

My brother died today. Little things cause me to tear up without warning. I see a little kid on a bicycle on the street and that reminds me of the way Tops used to tag along with me on our many bicycle romps to the beach during those carefree summer days of long ago. The tears come. I turn on the radio while driving and hear the Beatles on the oldies station. Then I remember that I treated Tops to his very first rock concert when he was 15. We saw Paul McCartney & Wings during their 1976 tour. I remember looking back at my little brother as we sat together in the sports arena, his face beaming with joy as we heard our favorite Wings and Beatles songs performed live. I have to pull over and stop the car because I am sobbing uncontrollably.

My brother died today. His Christian name was Terence but we called him Tops, a quirky, unique and oh-so-wonderful nickname. In childhood, we called him Topsy, and I like to think it was because he was the “Top C,” meaning the Top Canedo. He shortened it to the cooler “Tops” when he became a teenager. But mom has another explanation: We called our brother Tops because he excelled in everything.

Tops was a cartoonist, an artist, a gifted musician, a recording engineer, a website designer, a creative gardener, and general fix-it man. His portfolio of hand-drawn and graphic art is beautiful to peruse. If I ever needed a lead guitarist for one of my many pick-up bands, Tops was there, wailing away on riffs that would make Carlos Santana sit up and take notice. If I needed to make a demo recording, Tops was there for me in his garage studio that was set up like a mad scientist’s lab, with makeshift recording equipment that proved just as effective as the professional stuff. Was the roof leaking from the rain? No problem! Tops was up there on the roof, fixing it himself.

But of all his skills and talents, Tops’ greatest gift was to be a caring son, a supportive brother, and a loving parent. His daughter Katya is a sweet high school girl who has inherited her father’s good looks and musical talent. When I was in Los Angeles in June to visit Tops in the hospital, Katya played her guitar for me and sang her favorite pop song. I was overcome by the realization that my little niece had blossomed into a beautiful, talented young woman who is as loving and gifted as her father.

My brother died today, and I will miss him forever. I can never begin to understand why something as terrible as cancer had to take Tops away from us so soon. I can only cling to my faith in God, and to the hope that we will all be reunited with our brother in the life to come. In my spiritual imagination, our brother was warmly greeted at the gates of heaven by our dad. I also like think that God let Tops go straight to work, adding some rock pizzaz to the angelic choirs, tending the divine gardens, and fixing the leaky roof over the Father’s house that has many dwelling-places (John 14:1-6).

My brother died today, but he will live forever in our hearts.



Tops as a young father, holding his new-born baby Katya.


17 comments:

  1. God bless you Ken...this is a beautiful tribute. All of the Nieves' hold you in our hearts. We love you, pray for you and the entire Canedo family.

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  2. Ken, this is a beautiful tribute to your brother. May Tops rest in peace in the loving arms of the Father. You and your family are in my prayers. God Bless you and comfort you.

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  3. Hi Ken,
    I know your pain as my brother celebrated the 25th anniversary of his death this past June. I always held on to your song "Fly like a bird" in my heart as it breaks when I remember my brother and niece who died within 8 months of each other. While I visit my brother who is buried near your father, I always say a prayer for you and your family. God Bless you in these horrible times. The pain will always be the same, but the interval between the pains will lengthen. Listen for his voice, he will be with you always, whispering his wisdom and messages from God. The sudden warmth around you will be his hugs and the sudden pain in the rear will be him kicking you back in gear.
    God Bless you Kenny!
    Lucy Ouano

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  4. You pay great homage to your brother. I am sure he is up in Heaven just loving you back. I have one brother and no other siblings, I almost lost him to a heart attack, and for the hours I did not know how he was, my whole world was shaken and I stood still. It was a very lonely feeling. I admire the way you handle it. With love and (wow my brother just called me.) wow. anyways, with love and a reliability to our God. God Bless You Ken and your family and thanks for sharing.

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  5. Dear Ken,
    I walk silently beside you, sharing your tears during this time of farewell. Your wonderful tribute to Tops brought memories of my dear brother who joined his Lord on May 16th of this year. Brothers are so special and they remain with us always. You taught me to realize that 'God is Good-All the Time' and God, in His mercy, brought Tops quickly home to Him. You, your mother and all your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this sad time of
    good bye and celebration of the life of your dear brother.

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  6. Thinking of you, Kenny...
    We all love you!!!

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  7. Blessings, grace, prayers - and hugs - for you Ken as you grieve today and each today. Wonderful tribute. Indeed wow. Peace to you.

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  8. Ken, your love for your brother is a gift... His chance to be all he was in this life time was his. He is a saint among us to show us the road. We all have our crosses and I am sure he is walking immediately through the gates appreciating all of God's glory having known real love, real family, real hardship, and now real peace.
    I lost my sister and now these writings of her are my gift to the smiles, although for a time they were for tears of healing. I'm praying for your heart.

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  9. Ken,
    This is a beautiful tribute to your brother. You are in Ellen's and my thoughts and prayers always. Having lost both parents at a young age, I know the feeling of loss and emptiness, but also the fullness of the love and support of family and friends, and believe me Ken, you are blessed with many. In spite of what you say, you are more, much more, than just a piano player.
    God Bless You.
    Al & Ellen

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  10. hey ken--tj here...
    know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of the whole UP commmunity, including me and Maureen (Mo) Briare...tomorrow, i'll ask for a Mass to be said for Tops and your whole family...with at least a dozen CSC priests around, heaven will be stormed from out here On The Bluff!
    peace be with you--not necessarily right now, but it will come when you most need it...tj muktoyuk

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  11. ps: let us know what time the funeral is, and we can all take a moment for you and your family at the time the service starts...thanks--tjm

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  12. Ken, thank you for the wonderful tribute you shared of TopS. Wow, what a difference he made to others especially to his friends and family. Fr. Ysrael Bien will celebrate mass tonight during our Perpetual Novena at Holy Trinity and the Filipino Community will pray in gratitude for the life of your brother Tops.

    May God's comfort and love be with you and your family during this time of grief.

    Much Love & Blessings,
    Franz, Monette, Joe, Justine & Gabe

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  13. May God bless you Ken and always know that you are loved.

    This is a wonderful tribute to your brother, Tops, and he was also blessed to have you as a brother. Thank you for sharing his life with us.

    Our prayers for you and your family.

    Much love,
    Lynn, Sarah & Ireland

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  14. My prayers go out to you and your family at this time. What a great way to share parts of Top's
    life with us all. Tops blessed many people in his life here, as you do also Ken. You are a true friend and brother. May God bless and comfort the Canedo family always,

    Love Lawson

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  15. Beautiful. Thanks, Ken. You're all in our thoughts and prayers. Ed Butorac

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  16. Ken,
    My prayers are for you and your family, let our music heal your wound to some degree.
    Steve Chaney

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  17. Dear Ken, How I wish I had been on that plane with you and could have given you a hug as you learned of your beloved brother's death. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. What a lucky guy Tops was to have had a brother like you!
    Love and prayers, Patty Campbell

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